This entry will be my most difficult. No one likes to disclose their weakness. Especially when you have low self-esteem issues. I will start at my lowest points, because it wasn’t just one reason to make this lifestyle change. It was many. Some were very embarrassing and others were what everyone deals with. That being said I apologize if this gets TMI, but this my truth. This is a remembrance for me to never get this low again. If you are going through this right now, it may help to make your decision a little easier and choose the path I did. You are not alone. If you feel like my lowest points, you deserve so much more.
So with a lot weight to carry around you’re not human if you don’t have a constant ache or pain. I would go to bed with back pain. Wake up with back pain. One morning I turned to get out of bed to make the trip to the restroom. My back as usual was so very sore. It would lock up so I couldn’t stand up fully. Shooting pains running down the front and back of my legs. I could barely sit down. And then I couldn’t get my legs to lift me back up. I was stuck. My I thought how did I get here, I am 37 years old. This was the worst I had ever felt about myself. What have I done to my body?
I love food. I am addicted to it. I love cooking, baking and celebrating with food. I would have days, if I wanted something I ate it, no matter if not 10 mins before I had a full meal. I would eat out a lot when the kids were in school, making excuses while I was out. Everything was super-sized. Carbs, always. Family gatherings were always centered around food. It didn’t matter the occasion. It seemed I never got full. The more I had on my plate the more I wanted. Portions were out of control.
My husband’s company was having a Christmas party. I had nothing to wear. I went shopping. I went to a few plus size stores but was sticker shocked at some. I ended up at Torrid. I tried on a bunch of shirts and pants. The girl there was extremely helpful. Well I walked out with biggest pair of pants they sold. 28/30. It was horrible. I was glad I found something I could wear, but thinking about the size was just depressing. They were just black dress pants with no shape to them and the biggest bell bottoms I have ever worn. The outfit is shown in the above picture. I should have kept them, but I sold them on eBay to buy small pants! The top was a 3X sleeveless and lacy. I had to get a sweater to cover my arms, they were just not attractive.
I volunteered twice a week at my son’s school. I loved that I could see him there and meet his friends. We were new here and I wanted to get involved to meet people and in turn my kids would meet more kids. The school was putting on a thanksgiving dinner and needed volunteers to serve. So I signed up. He came home that night and told me that one of his friends told him that I was fat. I asked him how that made him feel, he said “mad”. “He’s not my friend any more.” I told him that was his choice but appreciated him taking up for his mom. Couple of weeks later I was working in the school, my son brings this kid up to me to make him apologize to me for saying this! I felt for the kid, he probably didn’t think some one would stick up for their parents like my son did! Anyway, the kid apologized. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that my weight would impact my kids like this. I want my kids to respect me. I want to be a good role model, because like it or not they will know nothing else until they leave my house. I didn’t want them to be embarrassed of me or have to make excuses for me. I do realize this kid was just being a kid, some parents are not aware of their behavior when they are not around. Or perhaps they don’t care to educate their kids on etiquette. No matter it was a wake up for me.
I was an extreme introvert. I didn’t like going out, meeting new people or doing anything social. I always felt not good enough or that I wouldn’t be able to handle an activity. I mean, I was sore just standing for an hour. I was ignored by people in public. I am nice person, I greet store clerks or restaurant employees, they would barely glance or utter a word to me. Looking back now, I think I was imagining these things. I didn’t realize all of this unhappiness showed on my face. When I smiled, I am not sure it reached my eyes. With my posture did I slouch, could people tell I was uncomfortable? I so was. I rarely looked anyone in the eye when talking. This was a problem.
Guilt. Boy did I have guilt. Not doing enough for everyone else. I have never been one to do for myself like I do for others. This sounds like I think I am a wonderful person right? Not my point. My family has always come first no matter what. I would do without everything, including thinking about my health. I wouldn’t change anything by being able to give my husband and kids my undivided attention. My way of dealing with stress was to eat. Because it made me forget and chocolate made everything better.
I had no energy. Made excuses because of back and knee issues that I couldn’t exercise. I made the excuse that my world revolved around my kids and I had no time for me. All these things that could be fixed. I had no documented health issues. Only these excuses were holding me back.
My kids didn’t care about my size. They cared about my feelings. Good quality to have. But it’s a much better feeling when your kids experience your success. I have seen them experience the feeling of reaching for goals, being brave and fighting for something you want, because I fought to get this weight off.
Now you know my lowest points. Maybe some people are the same and some are not. Maybe those of you who are just reading this because you like my story and have never felt this way. I know there are a lot of people out there who have it a whole lot worse than I did. For those that can not relate, please use this as a tool to help someone you know. Let someone see you understand what they are feeling, sometimes that can be more comforting than going through it yourself. This world is so mean sometimes, the more understanding people can be, the less crutches everyone will hold on to. Food and unhealthy habits were my crutches. If you are nodding your head through all of these low points, I totally understand. Make a change, take on another lifestyle. You can do anything you want to, I did. Everything worked out. My excuses were never in my way. Today I believe I can do anything.
Thank you to each of you who are reading, leaving comments on my Facebook page, it truly means a lot. Getting this all typed out is really inspiring me feel good about what I have done. Sometimes I get so focused on doing more, that I forget it’s okay to take a break. Forgiving myself for eating something bad or not getting to a goal in a workout. This is reminding me why I began, where I came from to how far I have come.
I have switched my blog to this page, it’s a little more user-friendly and I’ll be able to customize things a little easier. I hope you follow along by subscribing. Anytime I post it will just email the link! I have many more ideas for blog posts on my journey! Take care!