My Struggles Today

Through this journey I have learned so many things.  I would often think as the weight was coming off “What will happen when I reach my ideal weight?  What is my ideal weight?  How do I maintain it, will I be able to keep it off? What do I eat?”  It would stress me out to the point of not allowing myself to indulge or give in to not being up to par in a workout.

I still struggle with this today.  I have no idea if I am done.  As these thoughts run through my mind I come back to “What does it matter if I am at my ideal weight? Who am I going to allow to tell me what I have to weigh? Am I still staying true to the lifestyle change I made?”  Here are my answers: My ideal weight is whatever happens to be when my body will no longer lose weight. I will not let a chart or person tell me what I have to weigh.  Yes, I am.  I am choosing to stick with eating healthy whenever possible, still going to the gym and keeping my focus on how happy this makes me.  I will take each day like I have taken everyday in the past, taking care of today and tomorrow when it gets here.

Am I happy everyday?  Happy yes…but lets be honest, I have my moments where life takes a twist and leaves me completely frantic.  Not food, not workouts…emotions.  Sometimes adrenaline runs so high that sometimes I get too extreme.  I have more energy than I know what to do with sometimes.    This winter has been rough on me.  We’ve had in my opinion way too much snow and it has been so cold way too often.  I admit, I am a whiner!  I love being outside! We haven’t been able to be out for longer than running from house to buildings to cars in four months! This isn’t Alaska! Sheesh.

Another of my struggles: adapting from losing weight rapidly to not losing at all.  In the past 5 months I fluctuate up two pounds down two pounds weekly.  I have been concentrating on strength training and cardio only.  I still keep within my calories, but have been making sure I am eating enough on the days where my body has burned an extreme amount.  I watch my body for signs.  If I am feeling tired I know I need to get some protein.    I always pick protein so that my body knows it can burn that and not store it.  If I eat too many carbs for snacks, lunch etc, if I am not eating enough my body will store the sugar from those carbs and retain it for water.  This will show a gain.  I would love to tell everyone that when you are thin all your problems are solved and you can eat what ever you want.  So sorry, but it hasn’t been that way for me.  This will never stop and I have to be okay with it.

This is a new quirk for me.  During a lot of my classes while the instructors are counting, once they get to the last 5 or 10 reps, seconds or whatever my mind just says “okay you’re done, you can stop”.  It’s the hardest part of the entire run! I don’t understand it.  Before I was so motivated that those last few seconds/reps I would work my hardest to get that last bit of effort in! What the heck is wrong with me?  Very frustrating.  So if you have a tip for me on this please let me know! Hopefully it’s just a phase I am going through.

I receive compliments from people pretty frequently.  It’s really humbling for me and I worry about my responses to people.  I say thank you over and over again.  I feel like I should respond differently.  Their compliment is a gift in my eyes.  It’s one I carry with me for the days or moments when I feel discouraged.  It shouldn’t matter what people think of you, but it’s not that.  It’s knowing people have your back and support they give.   This is hard and they acknowledge it, encouraging me just by one comment keeps my confidence up to keep going when it’s so easy to tell yourself you’re not doing enough.  Words are so powerful, they build and tear down.  Please know if you have complimented me, the thank you I respond with is the biggest thank you ever given.  Like to moon and back!

Patience and Plateaus

Well, it’s been awhile since I posted! Sorry about that!  Sometimes weeks are hectic!  We’ve been hit by flu bugs, colds, ear infections, asthma flare ups and snow days! Don’t you just love February?!  Not much time to be anything but a Mom, but that’s okay.  I have plenty of time left to do what I need to when everyone is better! I think we’re finally on the mend!

So I wanted to talk about one of the hardest things you go through when you’re losing weight.  Plateaus. These are the worst!

If you are following your diet to a T and exercising, your weight falls off, you feel great, then about 6 months in, all of a sudden you lose a pound a week for 3 weeks, when you had been dropping about 3-5 pounds or more the previous month.  Sometimes you show a gain or no loss at all.  It can happen for several weeks in a row or just a couple weeks.  This can be extremely disheartening.   I remember my first plateau.  I had lost about 75-80 pounds (can’t remember the exact number), I was still doing the same workouts and keeping within about 1200-1300 calories a day.  I didn’t count calories per se, I just maintained 250 calories for breakfast, 300 for lunch, 500 for dinner and 2 snacks at 200 twice a day.  I know it’s doesn’t seem like a lot of calories but it worked for me.  I didn’t feel light headed or weak.  My body tolerated it.  I still stick to this plan everyday, except on weekends.  Anyway, I was upset because I thought that I was doing something wrong.  I started working harder in the gym, going in on Saturdays and Sundays.  There weren’t calories to cut because I knew I had to have enough for my body to function.  I remember getting mad at myself, why wasn’t I losing anymore weight? I couldn’t give up on myself because I didn’t want that weight back.

Well, what I learned was my body was used to the same regime.  I was eating Lean Cuisine dinners for lunch. They are loaded with bad carbs.  My favorites were Salisbury Steak, the pizzas and ravioli.   All decent tasting,  within my calories, but my body was so used to them it wasn’t letting go of those bad carbs anymore.   Same workout equaled same results, it was time to step up my game.  So that was the time I took my first class.  I switched to eating things with lots of iron.  White fish, salmon and brown rice for lunch daily.  My breakfast stayed the same and dinners I really watched the portions of carbs.  With doing these things my plateau disappeared.  Weight just started coming off.  I was finding that my metabolism was speeding up and I needed to eat things that my body could save to get through work outs.  Then weight flew off all of a sudden the next month I was down 20 more pounds (in a month!).  I kept losing for a while, I hit another plateau about 6 months later added more classes.  At somewhere around the 130 pound loss mark I started putting on muscle.  Not just toning, real muscle.  I then knew the reason for the plateau.  I added in cycling because one of the trainers said you burn a lot of calories in a short amount of time.  It worked! It helps with toning your legs.  Just because the weight is gone doesn’t mean it doesn’t leave behind evidence!

I am not an expert, but this is my thought on why your body plateaus.  When you shock your body with forcing it to lose fat that has always been there, it confuses your system. Your body is looking for something to replace it with, sometimes it’s muscle.  Sometimes it’s water.  You have to go and figure out which it is and fix it.  Muscle is good, but make sure you are drinking enough water.  Water in, fat flushes out.  If you are eating the wrong foods, then the problem is obvious. Do.Not.Give.Up.    Have patience with yourself.  You will figure this out.

Just because you weigh the same doesn’t mean you aren’t changing your body.  I have been through many plateaus since the first one.  I am continuing on one right now.  I am at the end of my weight loss journey and moving on to my strength and toning journey.  I have not lost any weight in months.  But have I have been putting all my work into weights and cardio endurance. I am still “losing.”  I am losing inches. You don’t notice all of the changes every time.  It’s been awhile for me since I have noticed any physical changes.  It used to be what kept me going.   Yes, my clothes are smaller than I have ever worn, but when you are used to changing sizes every couple of months it’s hard tell yourself this is your size.

This past weekend my husband and I were shopping the clearance racks.  The clerks at the store told me one time if you see the bathing suits come out, that’s the time to hit the clearance racks for deals!  I saw a bathing suit top I really liked, it was bikini top.  I don’t wear bikinis, well not in public anyway.  They’ve never fit me in the past and well, I’ve three kids.   I have always had problems finding things to fit my well endowed chest.  Sorry TMI, but it’s the truth.  But I wanted to try it because it seemed like my size.  Long story short and less descriptive, the top fit.  Very endearing moment for me.  Last year I had to order from overseas for a swimsuit to fit.

I walked by this one dress in the main aisle (no it wasn’t on clearance), it was really pretty.  Grabbed it as well just to try on, because I felt like it! 🙂 It was too expensive to buy, but I stood next to my husband whom is the same height as me (he had on his cowboy boots so he was a little taller at the moment) I looked at us in the mirror and I said, “I am narrower than you!” I have always thought my husband was smaller than me!  In our wedding picture my big poofy dress made me look huge next to him.  It was funny, he just looked at me and said, “Yeah” like it was obvious this whole time.

I have blinders on people,lol.  Just because I went through all of this doesn’t mean there isn’t the same person inside me.  I still see things to change, still feel as strongly about being healthy as I did the day I started.  Again, I chose the lifestyle, not a quick fix.  I love these reminders, it makes me stronger and gives me confidence in what I am doing.  

I really hope this gives people encouragement to hear my stories of experience and successes.  This is not a blog of self-righteousness.  I hope to help those people struggling because I know what it feels like.

Deal with plateaus with patience.  Don’t overwhelm yourself with whys.  Just keep going.  Your body will figure it out on it’s own or you will find something along the way you need to change.  Just don’t give up on it.  

 

Willpower

Tattoo to commemorate my weight loss

You may have noticed the title to this blog “Don’t look back you’re not going that way.” I had noticed this saying awhile ago and it really symbolizes the way I have been able to accomplish losing this amount of weight.  I take each day as it comes.  I don’t look back to the ways of yesterday, last week, or years ago.  For myself, I enjoy little reminders of how hard things used to be, but I don’t want let the reasons I used in the past to stand in the way of my future.  Yes, I want to remember where I came from, but I don’t want to be scared to keep going.  I don’t want to feel like the weight is chasing me, closing in on my back, incessantly hanging over me.  I want to live each day as it is.  It’s not an easy thing to do, I am a constant worrier. I’m getting better though, at least I’m not feeding that emotion anymore.   I take care of today by eating healthy foods and keeping with my gym schedule.  On bad days, I just let it be a bad day.  I can’t change what’s in the past.  I can only make today a better day.

Willpower may refer to: Personal character. Self-discipline, training and control of oneself and one’s conduct, usually for personal improvement.  –Wikipedia

I think the above definition could be used for countless situations in life.  Life challenges us to constantly refrain from speaking inappropriately, over indulging and over reacting.  The same can be said with food.  I over indulged in food, because it was there.  Food was made to be eaten. Self control was non existent.  There would be days were I would just concentrate on what was the next meal.  There’s nothing wrong with thinking about your food, planning meals is a definite way to to keep on the right track.  All of my meals are planned before I go to the grocery store.  Right down to ingredients.  It takes me about an hour each week to search for recipes, write it down and go through the sale ads.

I look at my lifestyle as a job.  I set aside time to go to the gym and to make sure things I buy at the grocery for lunch can be made with 15 mins.  I stay at home, I am able to cook things for myself everyday.  Although there have been times where I need to be somewhere and can’t, on these days I pack a sandwich, bag of pretzels and fruit.  Some days if I don’t have lunch planned I cook an extra chicken breast or open a can of tuna for salad toppings the night before.  I always try to think ahead.  My purse always has snack options. Cereal bars, dried fruit, bag of almonds, cheese crackers (small amount of these!) or rice cakes.  If I am out running around and it’s too early for lunch or after lunch I make sure I have something to eat.  I have to do this or temptation to stop and get something is well, tempting!  If I wait too long to eat between meals I tend to grab things that aren’t good because I was so hungry my original snack isn’t enough.

As adults we are constantly thinking about our kids/spouses.  I know that I am the one responsible for preparing all of our meals, therefore, it’s easy for me to plan what we are eating.  It’s always about choices.  Do you have the willpower to say I am getting healthy foods this week instead of hot dogs and frozen pizza? Did I eat hot dogs and frozen pizza?  Sometimes.  But the hot dogs were turkey and the pizza was either pita pizzas or a frozen Lean Cuisine. I’ll admit, that was rare, I don’t particularly care for Lean Cuisine.  But if it’s easy for you to take to work, do it!  If I have time to plan for my family I definitely have time for me. Choice is what the main focus should be.

As a parent I have learned that willpower is a must.  Sometimes I think I have so much willpower for tolerance that at the end of the day it’s all run out.  Let me tell you, teenagers! Nothing will prepare you for it.  Everyone warns you, but you still think it’ll be okay.  Yeah, when they move out!  I don’t have enough left to keep with the routine. So I’d over react and eat out of haste or get frustrated with time and order pizza.  I have been there, since my meals are already planned this happens less often.  Plus, I have dealt with the guilt of eating wrong choices.  All I keep thinking about is the time I put in at the gym, could be undone right now, with this meal. After so many times I  recognized I wasn’t any better off, my problem wasn’t able to be solved by food or time.  It was the person/situation that I needed solved. I need to have self control to deal with the original problem.   Discipline my mind to focus on my reactions.  I teach my children to think before they speak, act and think.  If I am not doing it, they are not learning it.  How can I expect them to apply it if they see me freaking out?

 

 

People that I have talked to tell me they just don’t have the willpower.  I disagree.  You just have to find it.  Pull the energy out of something else.  I found that in the time that I spent complaining about foods or exercising it would have already been done.  Willpower is self-inflicted.  People go to work everyday with it.  Weather they like their job or not they discipline themselves to go.  Few people actually enjoy every aspect of their job.  Put the same spin on eating healthy and getting in to the gym.  Discipline yourself to realize that there are things you’re not going to like about it, but you’ll get paid in feeling good!

Allowing time for yourself after you’ve given time to a job, kids and other demands is well deserved.  I always thought I was being selfish and taking time away from my kids.  I was always the mom that was defined by my kids.  Their activities were my activities.  Some still are, but I need to be me too.  My workout schedule doesn’t really affect them, except in the summer.   I’ve come realize that I’ve been around for almost everything my kids have ever done.  Which is very rewarding.  I wouldn’t change anything today or in the past.  But what I’ve learned is there is sometimes when I don’t need to be there.  They need to be independent or they maybe living in my house forever! Don’t get me wrong I am still there for the most important activities.  I more proud of them now because they are taking control in earning grades, choosing after school activities and socially making their own friends.

Life is adaptable.  It’s all in the self-discipline and figuring out how wiggle schedules around.  Sometimes you have to give in and sacrifice time away from the things you need, but not everyday.  The time that your willpower is tested is when you get right back to it when the activity that took you away is done.  Or go back to eating right after you screw up.

I found that getting my mind frame in the right place helped the most. I have link on my blog of a book I read when I first started this journey.  It was hilarious and kept me in the mind frame that I needed to be in.  Now that I have gone through this journey I have found this woman’s story so close to my own.

One thing I want to say, kind of off the subject.  If you are person who has a weight issue or thinks you have a weight issue, I am not here judging people’s happiness.  This is strictly my thoughts, experiences and journey.  I don’t want to give the impression that everyone needs to lose weight or be healthy. I finally found my happiness with myself.  I am sharing this so people whom feel like I did can realize this is possible.

Have the willpower to find your happiness, in what ever form you need to.

My Support System

I’d like to start this entry off by saying, I am one blessed woman!

When I started this journey my husband was encouraging from day one.  Don’t get me wrong several other people where just as supportive.  He was with me everyday.  I couldn’t have done this with out him.  I would have quit because my mind was telling me I couldn’t do it.  He was there for me to express how bad my days were, how I hurt from workouts and just how hungry I was.  Basically, he was my complaint pillow.  He would keep telling me I was doing a great job, reinforcing just how much he was impressed I was doing this.   Taking an active interest in what I was doing at the gym.  No complaints on the dinners I chose to cook or places we had to eat at.  If I needed anything, he would find a way to make it happen! He still does!

Wedding Photo 1995

We have been married for 19 years.  I was 19 when we were married.  So this year I will have been with him longer than I was with my own parents.  Surreal thought! As I have said I’ve struggled with weight since childhood.  When I met my husband I wasn’t a small person, but I wasn’t heavy either.  J has always told me that I am beautiful.  Size never mattered to him.  The only thing I think he would say was I had an attitude problem once in while.  Haha.  Don’t we all!  Our marriage wasn’t perfect, there’s no such thing as perfection! (In my opinion).  Weight had come on so fast for me after we had been married for a year.  I gained 50lbs in a year.  Of course my doctor was questioning what had happened.  Well, a few things birth control, not knowing how to cook and eating out.  My husband God love him, isn’t the greatest at cooking.  If it comes out of box he’s very successful, grilling no problem. So most of the foods we were eating were processed, frozen or fast food.  It was what we could afford and I could cook with out much knowledge.  So weight packed on.  On him, no.  Just me.  Men seemed to have a lot of things easier than women.  Sorry guys, but it’s true.  They can consume massive amounts of fat or high calories, they burp…1200 calories gone! Just kidding!  They have a faster metabolism, I haven’t quite done the research as to why that is, fair or not it’s something to recognize.  So of course I was aware of the weight I was putting on, but J never said anything.  He never told me to lose weight.  Looking back he now says, I just didn’t realize how big you were.  Neither did I.

Vacation 1998

We took a vacation to the Smokey Mountains.  Biking, hiking and camping.  We would have went horse back riding, but the weight limit on the horse was 250lbs.  I couldn’t ride, because my weight was at 280lbs. Hiking one of the smalls trails which was about 1.5 miles, was extremely hard.  I barely made it, it took us 4 hours. I couldn’t breathe.  It was a fun vacation, but physically I didn’t handle it well.

We decided to try to have a family after five years.  I never had any problems with weight being an obstacle to get pregnant.  However, with my first I was put on bed rest at 6 1/2 months with pre-term labor.  I am not sure if this was due to the weight or just my body not handling the stress pregnancy was taking.  I worked full time until my son was about 5 months old.  I decided to stay home and have been home since.  My weight continued to rise, sometimes I would try to watch what I was eating but it never seemed to last.  We had our second son about 22 months after our first.  We didn’t own a scale so I had no clue as to what I weighed.  I just know that the size pants I wore were a 26.

My mom and I decided to start working out at Curves.  She has always tried to help me lose weight.  We have been on weight watchers and Curves diets together.  A lot of the knowledge of choosing foods has come from her.  She was the best partner to have because she was my first best friend and my cheerleader. She too has struggled with weight issues her entire life.  I lasted a year and in that year I think I may have lost around 75 pounds.  I felt pretty good about that,  I got pregnant with my daughter. I did pretty well after she was born until my boys got involved in sports.  Running here, running there caused me to not take time to workout or worry about what we were eating.  My husband and all of my kids have fast metabolisms and never had to worry about what they were eating.  Our dinners have always been consistent, but lunches and breakfast were processed foods or sugary options.  Unfortunately my body type is not one that can do without making healthy choices.

Through all of this crazy life I have been given a man who loves me no matter what.  That is not an easy job to have! He puts up with a lot!  He picks me up at my lowest points.  Nothing is more comforting than when you are absolutely just lost or feeling like a failure, to have someone wrap their arms around you and tell you everything is going to be okay.  I believe in him, he believes in me.  No matter what my weight was, he was there.  It’s the way it’s supposed to be right? Well, I look back now and think just how much my weight had affected certain things, I wish I could go back and  change some.  But I don’t think our marriage would be as strong as it is today.  Sometimes those bad times you go through really make the bright spots shine brighter.  You learn to work together through tough moments and when you’re faced with even tougher moments you forge through.  Well, enough with marriage counseling.  I just want give you all an idea of how wonderful my husband is!

I am the home manager and he is the money provider.  If it concerns the home and kids it is my responsibility.  I have made sure to always take on the things that he couldn’t be there for.  It gets frustrating at times because of conflicts of trying to be in two different places at once, we work it out.  I can be pretty bossy, he puts up with it.  I don’t know how, but he does.  I don’t tell him enough how much I appreciate him.  But I hope I show him in the things that I do.  Staying home all this time I have made sure my family has clean home to live in, has a cheerleader in all of their activities, makes breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Clean clothes on their backs, nursed them back to health and  to make sure they all knew they were loved by me.  In all of this some how we’ve kept it together.

Our 19th Anniversary Nov 2014

Through this journey we have really learned a lot about each other.  Even though we have been best friends for years, my husband has learned to read me very well.  He knows I get stressed about bills or money, he takes it on.  Finds a way to get us out of a pickle. He never lets me feel bad about myself.  Days when I would feel unattractive or just plain fat he would tell me, I was amazing.  Takes me to a mirror when ever we pass one and made me see the changes I was making.  He loves to take me shopping, picks things out I would never pick myself, convinces me to try them on.  I am always shocked at what I can pull off.  I was always the type to wear loose bagging clothing to hide the rolls.  He’s helped me see things that are no longer there.  Taking pictures from different angles so I could see the changes.  It’s not that I cared what other people saw, I cared what I would see something I didn’t like.  Of course he is enjoying the difference in the clothes as much as I am, but I don’t think he realizes just how much this has helped me feel more loved by him.  It’s not the materialistic side of different clothes. Have you ever had some look at you in a completely different way?  When he sees me in something he really likes his eyes shine and he’ll say, that, we’re getting that! It’s look of complete adornment.  It makes me happy that I make him feel this.  He makes me believe in myself.

He never comments on anything I eat.  As I’ve said in the past stress would make me eat.  Because of the work I have done on myself this is no longer the case.  I still have stress, it’s still the same things.  I have changed the way I have handled it.  He’s always there to tell me how we’ll deal with it and we go on.  I just had to believe it.  It must have been so frustrating for him to watch, when all I had to do was give up bad food and take care of myself.  He never said anything and just tried to make me happy.

I lost this weight for myself, but I really didn’t realize how much better life for others would be.  It’s not that my husband does more for me now, it’s that I see it clearly.  I didn’t love myself before, because I felt so bad about myself.  He has opened my mind to see what he’s been saying this whole time.  He loves me no matter what. Him showing me in mirrors, pictures and things from my past has been instrumental in my success. The more I experience, the more I like about myself.  Our life is positive, not perfect.  Our life is much easier when both of us keep looking for the positive in each other.

Feeling better about yourself makes you feel like you can do anything! In turn, that makes people gravitate towards you because they believe in you.  Be amazing because you can! Your family benefits from it just as much as you.  I never knew the support that I would receive from my husband.  I am sure all guys are like this, but sometimes they don’t even know how much little comments here and there can make so much of a difference.

I know most people out there are trying to lose weight.  A support system is key.  I relied on myself for most of this, but having someone to come to when things got to be overwhelming was just exactly what I needed.  You can’t always see the changes right away.  It takes a while! Especially when you are like me and only see the things you want to change.  Just know when you start seeing the changes, someone who is on the outside has seen them first.

If I could give advice to couples out there that have weight issues in their homes it would be this: Support them.  Don’t push them. We all love our spouses unconditionally, but if you push you’re telling them they aren’t loved unconditionally.  When your spouse is ready to do something about it, they will.  Support them by making it easy with schedules, being completely open to changing food habits or taking on a little more responsibility to give them time to deal with this.  No better gift that could be given would be to know someone has your back.  I was lucky, I don’t work outside my home so I could fit my gym time in every morning when the kids are in school.  It helped me know that everyone was taken care of and I could just concentrate on my workouts.  If your spouse works outside the home, figure out a time when you can back them up to get them to the gym and deal with kids, dinner or whatever.  If you both are concentrating on losing the weight, find a Y or gym that has a daycare.  Keep each other motivated to have some parents time.  Kids are flexible.  My daughter knows this is important to me, so she has adapted to going on holidays with me to the gym.

If you are single and trying to lose weight, get in classes.  You’ll find so many people who are fighting the same fight you are.  Everyone is in some sort of journey.  All are going to the same goal. You need to learn to love yourself so you can show someone else just how love-able you are!

Thank you for reading! Thank you to all my supporters!